Having conducted a study examining the stupid things these birds say when looking for an apartment, we are happy to report that, after many years of careful observation, these species as well as varied sub-species, are thriving in the environment in and around Columbia County. They can be seen flitting here and there, trying to settle in before winter. Even though they have difficulty locating nesting places, they have been multiplying rapidly in recent years, and all indications are that they will continue to do so in the foreseeable future.
THE PREENING UPPER HANDER
“So how’s your credit?” (I often ask this to save us all time & money).
“Not so hot. I declared bankruptcy about 5 years ago. If you’re asking can I afford the rent, definitely. I’ve been a homeowner for 8 years.”
Me: (thinking) nooo, I wasn’t asking if you could afford it, I was asking if you would pay it.
Him: (sounding very knowledgeable) “I exempted my home mortgage from the bankruptcy proceedings.”
“I’m sorry, you won’t get the rental house with a bankruptcy on your credit report.”
Him: (Shocked) “Really! You mean you can deny renting on the basis of credit?”
Me: duhhhh – okay, I only thought that last one.
THE WARBLING MISUNDERSTOODER
Grandma & granddaughter come to look at a 2 bedroom. “So how many people will be in your family?”
“Only 3. Myself, my boyfriend, and my granddaughter.”
Cut to seriously pregnant granddaughter.
“So there will actually be 4 of you?”
“Oh, no. You see, she [granddaughter] has a friend who’s away right now…”
“Away like at the mall, or away like ‘Away’?”
“Away in jail.”
“…who’s the father of this child…”
“Yes, but as soon as he’s out, my boyfriend and I are (claps her hands for emphasis) Out Of Here!”
“Nope, sorry. I’m not knowingly renting to a convicted felon.”
“But you don’t understaannnd(!) If they keep arresting people, there won’t be anywhere left for them to live!”
THE PSYCHO LOONEY BIRD
“I can’t make it this Friday, because I’m in the psych ward right now. They got me locked up, but I’ll be getting out next week, so I can come look at the apartment next Friday.”
THE R-U-KIDDIN SAPSUCKER
“I’m looking for a house, not for me, for my brother. He’s getting out of jail next month, and has to stay in New York for parole…”
THE SCRAMBLED EGGS AND HAMBRAIN
“Oh, yes, my credit is excellent. I own my home and everything. Why am I relocating from Florida, leaving my house, uprooting my children, and renting an apartment? Well, my new husband is getting out of jail next month…”
THE OUTTAOPTIONS ROADRUNNER
“You can reach me at the [welfare] motel, room 7”.
THE LOTSAPETS LOVEBIRDS
“The ad says ‘no dogs’. I have litter-box trained rabbits."
“Where do you keep FOUR rabbits?”
“We have a sleeping porch where I live now.”
“Well, we have no sleeping porch in this rental”.
“I can keep them in the extra bedroom.”
Yeah, right. Four, no make that eight -- Oops! 16! With litter boxes on my new rugs. Bleech!